Stereotypical Birthday Cards

Forgive my less than eye catching title and prepare yourselves for another rant. The other day I was trying to pick a birthday card for a friend and I realised that most of the cards for girls were about shoes, shopping, chocolate and 'getting drunk with the girls'. Things like 'Happy Birthday, have a great chocolate filled day, go shopping for shoes and then get pissed with your girlies!' Then there are the cards for men - 'Happy Birthday, look at big boobs and then drink beer with the lads!'
Who buys these cards? Who bloody makes these cards? Paints a pretty bleak image of men and women right? Anyway I resorted to a card with a photograph of a cat pulling an amusing face whilst sitting in a bowl of salad.

I'm a commuter...

At the risk of turning this blog into my own personal ranting-ground, I bloody hate commuters. I know I know, most people have to commute to their work place, myself included, but why oh why are so many commuters so fucking loathsome? I'll set the scene - I get off the tube and start walking towards the station to catch the overground train home. Exciting stuff. There are trains every ten minutes in rush hour so why oh why do people insist on pushing and rushing? Take a big fat chill pill guys - catch the next train. I refuse to believe you are that busy and important. Just the other day one woman literally threw me out of her way and then stumbled over a fallen metal road sign. Apparently it is acceptable to throw all decorum and rationale out the window in rush hour. Of course I hate the slow ones too - the fat people who not only waddle along but also take up the whole street, the sex-pots who can't bloody walk in stiletto's and the OLD people who should retire.

And what is with grown men shoving young girls (me) out of their way!? Is shivalry completely DEAD? And what part of 'let people off the train before you get on' don't people understand? Want to know what else I hate? Tube politics. I really don't mind giving up my seat to a pregnant woman or an old person but how on earth am I expected to know if someone is pregnant or just fat? And what if I give my seat up to an old person and they get offended because they aren't that old? My solution is to not give my seat up to anyone. Yeah if there's a pregnant woman standing right next to me I'll look like an arsehole but I would rather run that risk than offend a fat woman.

I also hate looking at fat, ugly bankers.

Epic failure

I would have continued to post updates on my crash diet but I failed. This was due to far too many social events (canape and cocktail parties, dinners etc.) rather than a lack of will power. However, I have still been fairly strict this week apart from the occasional bit of chocolate or cheese (oh and the odd gin and tonic or glass of wine). Nevertheless I have decided my next crash diet will be the maple syrup diet - you know - the one that Beyonce did and lost a vast amount of weight in a few days. So I'll be back at the beginning of May to blog about it and I promise this time I'll stick to it whilst weighing myself daily. I hope to drop a stone in ten days. Wishful thinking?

Crash diet anyone?

I know what you're all thinking - testing crash diets has been exhausted. Fearne Cotton is the latest celebrity to jump on the investigating-anorexia-and-crazy-diets band wagon. This is different I promise. I actually want to lose weight and want to test diets that really work rather than self righteously testing and condemning these diets whilst conveniently dropping tons of weight in the process. So I'm breaking myself in gently and starting with a sort of raw fruit and vegetable/negative calorie diet. I will mostly consume negative calorie fruits and vegetables but will chuck a few normal fruit and veg in, mainly because I already have some in my fridge. For anyone who doesn't know, negative calorie foods are foods which use more calories to digest than the food actually contains.
A bit of background information for you - I am a serial dieter. I diet constantly and my weight fluctuates all the time. I have lost almost two and a half stone since this time last year and have dropped almost five stone since I was eighteen. I weigh just over nine stone. The weight is not shifting anymore so I am taking drastic measures to ensure I reach my goal weight of eight stone.
I am about to eat some chopped up peppers as I haven't eaten anything yet and I have a salad of leaves and cherry tomatoes for lunch. I have a headache already.

Sausage-Pony

BBC News Reports: "A pony with short legs and a long body has caused numerous people to call the emergency services in the mistaken belief she is stuck in the mud...An animal rescue expert said Mayflower seemed to be a cross between a Shetland and a New Forest pony, making her look like a "sausage-dog horse".
Her owner is now considering erecting signs advising passers-by."

Brilliant.

Feminism and Trogs.

I hate feminists. They are all man hating, ugly lesbians with hairy armpits. Only joking. I wanted to write this post because I have been riled by these sorts of comments far too many times now. In fact just two days ago a group of my sisters friends revealed their ignorance in a dispute over feminism. It all started with one of them saying 'stupid lesbian feminists'. Obviously we couldn't let that go, so we asked why do you associate lesbianism with feminism? All feminists aren't lesbians. Some are, just as some women who aren't feminists are lesbians.

One of my sisters stupid, unenlightened trog friends then said: 'I hate feminists'. Why? Apparently they go too far. Vague much? I appreciate some feminists are extreme, but feminism involves various different movements and theories. It gets worse. After one of the trogs actually asked 'what are feminists?', another trog replied 'they are basically women who fight for women's rights, equality bla bla bla, a load of crap'. Shocking. Does she really believe that fighting for equality is a load of crap? Seems strange that a woman (or trog) would say it's crap that many women believe that men and women should have equal sexual, political, social and economic rights. You get my point.

I don't claim to be the world authority on feminism but I can't understand why anyone would criticise or attempt to belittle women who have won us the right to vote, the right to work in any profession, the right to defend themselves from discrimination and the right to own property amongst other things. So stop it trogs, it's just plain embarrassing.

From the one with curly hair...

Funny pug - hopefully the first of many

Woman bites off boyfriend's tongue in broody frustration

This isn't a fantasy of mine thought up after months of waiting to be impregnated with a little bubba - this actually happened, and in an attempt to pretend that this blog has something to do with serious things, I've decided to blog about this piece of news:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tyne/7935311.stm

But actually I'm blogging about this cos I'm pretty damn confused. 

1. If Tracey is upset that her boyfriend never "gives her smoochy kisses anymore" then surely the last thing she wants to do is bite off his tongue - she's just ruled out the prospect of any hot french kissing for quite a while, for one thing. Yum yum.

2. If your girlfriend was in the middle of biting your tongue off, then surely the situation requires for something a bit more drastic then tapping her on the head? 

3. He describes the sound that she makes after having bitten off part of his tongue as a sound of satisfaction, comparable to the sound you make "if you have a cup of tea when you haven't had one for a few days ". Now. Really? Are you sure it wasn't slightly different to that? From what I've read they were pretty hammered, and she had just gone and done something which most would consider quite weird (although I know its a pretty much a normal Saturday night for the other blonde). Maybe it's just the tea-drinking obsessive in me that wants to hope that she might have sounded a bit more crazed then someone who hadn't had a cup of tea for a few days, and yet now when I write this it seems to become more and more plausible to me that the same amount of hysteria might be present in both cases. And who am I to judge, I haven't been without tea for more than a day before.

4. When she was arrested, Tracey apparently said "You're joking" to the policeman. Now come on Trace. Anyone who's ever seen Street Wars knows that policemen never joke. And if they do its obvious, because they're usually bloody annoying and not very funny at all. It's a power-trip thing.

From the one with straight hair

Welcome to our humble blog.

Welcome to our humble blog. More blogs to come.